Owning Innate Sexuality

For reasons I don’t pretend to understand societal, or more the point, institutional attitudes around sex have meant that there is simply so much we don’t understand about it. Like where our myriad and sometimes unusual fantasies and desires stem from? Is the existence of a particular desire that may sit outside of the mainstream capacity to acknowledge it, unhealthy or valid? How many different forms of orgasm are there? Anecdotally people report the ability to have a throat orgasm which includes convulsions and saliva production similar to a regular orgasm and involves fluid expression. I know of people having orgasms through stimulation of the knee, chin, mother nature, the sun. But, you wouldn’t read about that in any text book.

I talk to a lot of people, mainly women about sex. Whether as clients, acquaintances or random people I meet in airport terminals and hotel foyers. I find some of the most interesting conversations, once we get onto the topic of what it is I do for a living, are with strangers who confess to not being overly sexually adventurous. The idea that I work in the sexuality field can be immediately captivating, or a turn off. It depends on the person. But, usually, once I start to talk in depth about my field, about my mission to support people in opening sexually, I usually see within them a slight opening of the doors of perception to what is available to them in the sexual realm. Indicated by a slight curve in their mouth to form a smile, a glint in the eye as they stare off into the distance, and rosy cheeks or even lip biting as I watch the visual expression of the cogs in their brain starting to turn, with growing intrigue. This is part of the awakening.

A door of perception is opened to something that was closed off before. The door becomes slightly ajar and is primed for more information which, over time, could potentially lead to blowing the hinges off. This could take years, and in fact is quite scary for some people. Too much information could lead to them slamming the door shut! But, for now, in this scenario, they are in a receptive state to something they weren’t before.

The way that I view sex is one of innate essence. A returning home or tapping into the source of life itself and a means of touching something that is beyond the Self. Being innate or of essence requires that that aspect be a natural, normal function of ourselves, and to deny it, is to deny ourselves. We may have buried it through programming and social conditioning, but the strength of this innate feature is such that the removal of just the surface layer of ignorance or obstacle to discussion is enough to awaken something inside of someone and completely change the landscape. At least in that moment. Whether or not that someone takes the ball and runs with it or falls back on old, safe, secure patterning is another story and of course is a choice. Conscious or otherwise. And neither way, running with the ball or going back to safety, is right or wrong.

It’s easy to get distracted by the humdrum of ordinary life. And so the unconscious programming is simply to forget, or feel that although the idea is nice, it is out of reach for any myriad of excuses. “I don’t live in a city so it’s too hard”, “it’s not safe”, “I wouldn’t know how”, “I don’t know anyone who would explore that with me”, “what if my friends or family found out?”. The list is endless if we want it to be.

I organise fantasy experiences for women. In doing this, over the years, I have spoken to a lot of women about their turn on's and turn offs. I could say that there are patterns and common threads among women that are not necessarily tied to a cultural demographic. For turn offs, a lack of trust, presence, and good communication represents some of the biggest obstacles to being able to surrender and relax enough to have great sex and be present in her body. For turn on's, if we are just talking about sexual fantasy, the common themes are… well, that’s a topic for another time..

The idea of there being a common thread of female fantasy, that is not limited to a specific culture, i.e. the West, suggests there may be something of a universal fantasy at play. I can’t confirm that, so take it with a grain of salt. It is something perhaps worth investigating, but from my experience in both conversations and intimacy with women across many cultures, common themes persist. Certainly, I’m sure we can all relate to many women loving rough play, spanking and hair pulling, and if we’re being brutally honest with ourselves, how far removed is that from consensual non-consensual play? I guess that’s up for debate, but the bigger question in the context of innate sexuality, is where does that urge or desire come from? Is it unhealthy, or is it valid? What role, if any, has cultural conditioning or a sexualized society played in shaping these specific desires? 

Now, the topic of conversation in this blog is owning innate sexuality and yours could be anywhere on a spectrum of low expression to kinky, and all are valid if they are in integrity. But integrity cuts both ways. If you are in low expression or vanilla so-to-speak, are you really vanilla? Is that your innate condition, or have you suppressed or chosen to remain ignorant of what’s available to you, and therefore out of integrity with your innate sexuality? How do you know you are vanilla? What informs this? Is this a conditioning process or a felt sense, that has been reflected om, explored, and settled upon, or are you just along for the ride, albeit a slow moving merry-go-round? That is not to shame anything that is considered vanilla, it’s really not. It is only to highlight that we don’t know what we don’t know, and we are conditioned to know something often at the expense of something else. We’re conditioned to believe in a thing at the expense of understanding the other thing that sits in contrast to it. We see this played out in society everywhere and could be better described as ignorance. 

I can speak from my own experiences that I have spent many years single, and I think that often that came from an unhealthy place. It was a conditioning process. Now I see the value in divine union when the time is appropriate. And that desire doesn’t come at the expense of my or anyone else’s past sexual expression or possible desires now. All have their place, and all are welcome in my view and the view of ‘conscious sexuality’ generally, the question is, is it in integrity, or are you just along for the ride? A slow merry-go-round, or big dipper, doesn't matter as long as it’s in integrity, and integrity comes from inquiry or questioning around the ‘why’? What does this desire serve, how does it serve? Or you know, maybe you just want to have fun with it. No shame, go nuts. Just consider that more inquiry is expansive and therefore has the potential for more fun and abundance, not less!

So, do you have a particular fantasy? Are you adventurous in sex? How would you define your innate sexuality? In the dark recess of your mind, what is top of the list of things you think about when fantasizing? It doesn’t have to be anything you act out, but an acknowledgment of its existence, and maybe some focus on thinking around the edges of not just the fantasy itself, but where does it reside in you, where does it come from, as a somatic experience, not just from the loins, but from other parts of you. What is the role of the mind in this, the psychology, what is the thing that informs the fantasy? This is worth looking at, because it is the opposite of repression which is unhealthy in any context. Fantasy is or can be a form of celebration, which when recognized and sat with can either dissipate the fantasy or expand it in healthy more nuanced ways. Recognizing it may allow the space to give total permission for you to explore in this field with less sense of shame around it. Perhaps having less shame creates the catalyst for you to be able to make a deliberate attempt to live it out and have the experience so that you’re not left wondering, or on your deathbed wishing perhaps, just perhaps you should have… It's too late now. Perhaps in the afterlife you can finally be in a world of non-judgement and non-shame to pursue at will your fantasies, free of cultural restraints. 

When the lights are down, in the quiet of your mind, ask your body “what is it you desire?”. Its answer may surprise you..