What is Conscious Sexuality?

I was in a bar in San Francisco once after attending a sexuality workshop when the woman I had just met and was talking to asked what I was doing in her country (in a nice way). In describing the workshop I had attended I used the phrase ‘conscious sexuality’ retreat. I didn’t think too much of the conversation, but a little while into the night, I started signalling an interest in her, and seeing this, she acted surprised I had an attraction for her stating that she thought I was gay. Surprised myself having never been assumed to be gay by a stranger, I asked why, and she replied because I had used the term ‘conscious sexuality’. Which in turn became a turn off for me. This attitude goes to illustrate just how in-the-niche concepts around ‘conscious sexuality’ are. 

Other terms associated with this theme could be a combination of ‘conscious’ or ‘intentional’ paired with the words ‘sex’, ‘relating or relationships’, ‘intimacy’, or to some extent phrases like ‘sacred’ or ‘tantric sexuality’. The term ‘conscious’ has also been paired with ‘kink’ to form ‘conscious kink’, alluding to the cathartic or therapeutic aspects anecdotally known to be present in kinky play. In essence, the attachment of this word or similar is intended to set apart from regular understandings or experiences of sexuality and relationships to one that has a deliberate, thoughtful outcome, usually linked to some growth experience. 

So, what is it? The conscious aspect in the ‘conscious sexuality and relationships’ concept is the desire of a person to engage in a deliberate, intentional manner with the deeper or more intricate layers of themselves and others. This could include their own and partners specific desires, fears, boundaries, shadows or triggers, safety aspects and more, aftercare needs, clearly articulated, and without fear of judgement. We’re talking about the deepest most personal bits, that they are unlikely to ever tell their parents or often even their friends but are a critical and vulnerable part of them none-the-less. 

Within the boundary of the ‘container’, set through the discussion of those involved, is the understanding or expectation that an expansive, possibly enduring experience, can occur when all parties are open and honest about their circumstances and state of being in the moment, what they need or desire, what they wish to avoid (fears and boundaries), and other aspects, that would facilitate a surrendering into the experience, and therefore full expression. A surrendering by way of trust. That a person's vulnerability in the moment can be respected and the individual's circumstances and state of being are served, and guided with integrity and awareness of the threshold to play.

Within the interaction, through the process of becoming conscious of the others needs etc, a slowing down occurs. A deepening of presence which regardless of the type of play, slow and sensual or hanging from the chandeliers, a ‘tapping in’ to the others energetic field is possible, a higher level of flow and intuition, that can enhance the interaction into a much more expansive, holistic, and growth experience, as opposed to a purely carnal or base experience.

It may or may not include ritual (big or small), are likely, as mentioned, to have energetic components of being able to tap into subtle energies, and almost certainly would involve a deliberate conversation before any sexual activity takes place. This is a refinement process, and is regularly updated to suit the change in circumstances or as desired. 

For many people within the conscious sexuality space, this is something that happens before EVERY sexual engagement. 

So, in short, ‘conscious sexuality’ is a deliberate approach to understand the Self and others better in relation to one’s sexuality that is healthy and distinct from, say, casual drunken encounters. 

In fact, for many people exploring this path, alcohol and substances are usually avoided in these interactions because of its ability to take us out of our senses and out of touch with what we are feeling, and contribute to misunderstandings, overstepping our own or others boundaries, and regretting decisions.

This doesn’t mean that the types of interactions aren’t wild or sexy or spontaneous, but just that there is an intentionality or thought process in terms of why or how to engage sexually in a given moment. 

For some people the idea of having ‘D&M’ (deep and meaningful) convos in relation to sex, prior to getting it on sounds like a boner killer. But, for many people, the trust and clarity that comes from that conversation actually increases the erotic charge and allows them to drop in deeper or open up more, knowing that the other person understands the agreements and knows the left and right of arcs. This is perhaps particularly true of women, who stand a lot more to lose or take more risk when it comes to sex, both in terms of pregnancy, social stigma, and other factors. This could be of note to men who want to make an impression on someone or take their sexual experience to a higher level.

The other part of this is that having conversations like these reduces stigma and encourages new narratives that celebrate sexuality, without debauching it. Note again, that doesn’t mean for a minute that debaucherous sex is not legitimate, it is in my opinion. Debauchery or base elements of sex with intention are still legitimate forms of expression when done with awareness. How, you might ask? By understanding which shadow etc may be being fed and the limits with which one should feed it and for what purpose. And, by recognising what lessons exist within the experience. Plus, the idea isn’t to limit the fun associated with sex, and treat it like a solely personal development goal, but simply to offer greater options and variability to expand your sexuality and expand your mind.

Putting sex on the table allows the space for people to have sex on the table, the sofa, the balcony, the park bench, with sensuality, with force, with compliments, with humiliation, with after care, with trust, with communication, and with safety. Confident that what happens in that container, is within each of the participants ability to hold, or is with consent. Because it is too easy to make allowances and shift the goal posts ‘in the moment’. Having clear boundaries or left and right of arcs means that once agreements are made, that they will be respected by all participants rather than lust filled decisions snuck in by either party at the last minute, when one’s defences are down. In the heat of passion, our compass can get a little wobbly. I think we can all relate to this..

This is relevant for both men and women, who when confronted with heightened states of arousal might go against the internal boundaries they had set for themselves, but hadn’t clearly articulated beforehand. Which might lead to buyer’s remorse, contraction, and possibly resentment from one to another. It might also lead to fall out, sometimes in a serious way.

So how do we do that? Well, by having in the back pocket a model for a pre-sex conversation, i.e. a form of specific checklist. “A checklist!?” I hear you say. “Yuck!..” 

I get it. But it doesn’t have to be un-sexy. It can be done in a way that is very sexy. In fact, if you ask your partners, casual or otherwise, you will probably be surprised just how sexy simply having the straight up, in your face, obvious conversation can be for them because it builds trust, and trust leads to intimacy.

Let’s talk about growth and awakening. Are these lofty terms? Isn’t sex and intimacy just something you do? Something that’s just meant to be fun? 

Maybe. But, under the conscious sex banner, everything is a lesson if we want to pause long enough to look at it. I mentioned aftercare in my original list of topics. How many of you have debriefed after sex. Checked in with your partner, casual or otherwise the day after or whatever to acknowledge the interaction and make sure they're good? If nothing else, that little bit of thought can set you up for a return customer. What about sitting post-sex and talking about what you liked and what could have been better? 

For some people the idea of critiquing someone’s technique is terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be a critique, it’s simply “this is how it could have been better for me”. It’s your truth. How people respond to that is none of your business, if it’s laid out respectfully. The phrase “what could have been better" is a soft way of opening up the conversation for how someone could improve their technique. And if they're not open for improvement, perhaps that’s a red flag anyway. And, bonus, how many people who have had these types of conversations post-sex, after a few minutes of talking about it, start getting excited and um, practice the improvements.. 

The debrief is a beautiful tool for expansive sex from the perspective of letting your partner know what works and what could be better, and also allows you to be better acquainted with what you like by verbalising it. The act of verbalising it internalises or opens up new penny drops in the mind of what it is you actually enjoy. Because guess what? Many of us don’t really know what we like in sex. Maybe we think we do. Maybe you’re a good lover, but that doesn’t mean that you’re a good lover to yourself. I bet as you start talking to lovers about what you do and don’t like, you will start to discover little nuances in play that turn you on that you didn’t know were there.

Let’s finish off with an example. Imagine a woman telling her partner that she like it when he/she places their fingers over her clit length ways, from top of mound to bottom, sandwiching the clit between the length of two fingers, and then from that position, massaging not the tip or hood, but actually the stem of the clit that lies under the flesh, massaging by sliding up and down. If this were you, in describing that, it makes sense to try it then and there with your partner. Grabbing some good quality massage oil he drips it on her labia lips, and then just starts experimenting with that motion. In this process of the giver trying to understand how she likes it, he starts to find nuance in the process, pinching the stem a little, lifting it with his fingers. Then, as a variation, he starts slowly moving his fingers in an alternating pattern like scissor kicking or flutter kicking. Seeing her facial reactions or getting direct feedback he starts to experiment more, finding more creative license through guidance. 

The stem of the clit is sensitive too despite not being exposed like the tip, and applying pressure in areas that push on that stem can be quite stimulating. But, that’s not obvious to everyone, even people who own clits. The process of starting the conversation around “I kinda like it like this..”, and giving tacit permission for your partner to experiment and make mistakes, while getting direct feedback and looking for cues from her body/facial expressions has created an opportunity to discover greater variations of arousal. 

It seems simple, and it is. But, many lovers don’t have conversations around what they do and don’t like leaving a lot of gaps in arousal or orgasm. Part of being conscious around sexuality is having the courage to take and give feedback in conversation and in doing so, the trust levels go up and up, and we further create the foundations for a safe container to explore more and more, thereby becoming an expansive process on many layers.

Another example, perhaps a deeper layer, is exploring shadow desires together through conversation and determining what fantasies are available to act out and what aren’t from the perspective of desire and boundaries linked to safety. These may include Dom/sub dynamics, consensual non-consensual (rape) play scenarios, BDSM, public play, group, and more. Why do I refer to these as shadow desires? Because many of these elements sit outside main-stream conventions of what is acceptable play, and because there are elements of risk or re-traumatising when acting out some of these scenarios. But, does that make it any less legitimate? As I mentioned earlier, in my opinion, no. When approached with integrity, the exploration of these elements can anecdotally at least, have therapeutic elements. The re-enacting of non-consensual situations in the context of actually having agency, power, and giving consent can potentially have the effect of rewriting the narrative or perception of past real-life experiences and help move the stuck energy or psychological frames of reference. Essentially to help process the experience. Likewise acting out any fantasies when done with a little self-inquiry and reflection, or integration, pre and post activity can help add nuanced understanding of the self and for fantasies that have a strong hold, but that may be less desirable to maintain for whatever reason, offer way of diffuse or transmute the hold of the fantasy on you. The antithesis of that might be to pursue these desires without inquiry and therefore recklessly or ad hoc-ly and keep strengthening an undesirable pattern or re-traumatise ourselves. Or alternatively, suppressing the urges and having them remain as unprocessed energy or pop up in other undesirable and unexpected places.

This is intended as an intro into the concepts of conscious or intentional sexuality and relating, rather than a deep dive. An opening of the door to a reference point or perception that the reader can use as guide post for exploration. Each of the topics or examples given have enough depth as a subject to explore separately and deserve that space, but the main point is that the point of difference is an intention around an activity, that defines conscious sexuality and relating from other more casual or less considered forms. And the trust that can be developed through this process between people is a pathway to an expansive range of play and pleasure, and deeper intimacy by being seen by the other, which at its essence is a basic human desire of all of us.

“Intimacy (in-to-me-see)”